Some people have told me that having children is the end of your life as you know it. I have often written about my experience of having children and how it relates to my work life elsewhere, but I'd like to also share my experience of having children from a spiritual perspective.
One may think that even in Buddhism having children can be a distraction from your path to enlightenment, but I don't think that's the case at all. In fact the opposite is true.
I have set myself a goal of becoming more mindful each day. I find new techniques to transcend my existence such that I do not exist day by day in a cloud of samsara, but instead I live in reality, touching the here and now as each moment passes, becoming a part of the harmony of reality.
Since having a child I have discovered what it is like to live. Every time I am playing with, being with my daughter I feel alive. I'm sure many parents have also had this wonderful experience. But why is this?
My daughter doesn't let me sit down for long. She pulls me up by my hand, and drags me over to her toys or outside. She wants to play. Playing is participating for the enjoyment of participating, of being a part of something, of being able to win or lose without it really affecting you. Is there much of a difference between playing and being mindful? Is this not kensho in Zen Buddhism? Is not the bliss of playing a sharing in the sambhogakaya of the Buddha?
My daughter always bring me back to reality, she always helps me touch the here and now. In her I see a being who transcends the worrying, endless decisions and debate that seem to consume us as adults.
This is just one way that being with children can be a form of meditation. Children are also a good reminder of sunyata, emptiness. In them we see ourselves, our wife, parents, ancestors, cultures. In them we see all of humaity, we see the dharmakaya. Every sentence they utter can be seen as a koan, not just because it it is seemingly nonsensical, but because it is a glimpse of true reality.
There is perhaps not greater manifestation of the law of karma than your child. Every action, every intention you have, will bear fruit in your child. If you curse, it won't take long before you hear a complaint from the school principal about your child's foul mouth. If you lose your temper and smack your child in a moment of weakness, then this is how your child will learn how to react in difficult social situations. Children are like mirrors, and in them not only do you see your ancestory but you also see every action you take. They are your walking karma.
Having children is a gift that can transform our lives in many ways, but more than anything they can be zen masters, teachers that can educate us not just about parenting, but also about ourselves, reality and enlightenment.
If only we stayed that way.
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6 comments:
No kids here but I can see how they would be wonderful teachers. Great post.
Ah but you do have children, as our friend Thich Nhat Hanh would say - if you look deeply everybody you touch becomes your child. Thanks for the comments.
Thank you for the article. My husband and I have begun to see the sort of "cause and effect" you are referring to, but we are a bit baffled about how to adjust our thoughts/behavior to help our child remain as free as possible. It seems sometimes that following conventional parenting advice can complicate things, but we do not want to ignore the parenting "wisdom of the ages" either. Do you know of parenting resources (books/audio) that are in alignment with Buddhist thought?
Thanks for commenting. Freedom is a funny word I think, on the one hand it means liberation from arbitrary dogma, on the other hand we know that nobody is truly separate from another, so how can they be free within those shackles? Children are born naked in more way than one, for the most part they're an empty canvas. Their freedom is their ability to learn and develop, to choose. But the decision to go into drugs or to become a professional pickpocket is also a choice. Freedom is just an instrument, what is important is showing them what to play. We should be teaching them a fundamental lesson: that the most valuable human characteristic is loving compassion. And we show them this by loving them 'to death', encouraging them to experience their emotions deeply by talking to them about how they feel, so they are able to appreciate how wonderfully deep the feeling of love can be, and why it is they feel sad so they are not simply overwhelmed by the emotion itself. I think that by engaging with them deeply at all times they will find it natural to engage deeply with others, and that's the beginning of true compassion. Also integrate them into your lives, as this gives them attention and helps them see reality for what it is. Use their presence as a constant reminder to watch your own behavior, your own speech, and whether your are letting the negative energy of violence on TV influence your own lives.
Also please don't listen to the more contemporary approaches to parenting that emphasize child autonomy and individualism, forcing them to 'cry to sleep' alone in the bedroom at night, forcing them into 'time out'. Forcing children into isolation is un-Buddhist. Teaching children that having emotions is bad is also un-Buddhist - it's our job to teach children to experience and understand emotions, not oppress them. It's not insignificant that 90% of children in the east share the bed of their parents and wouldn't ever dream of 'ferberizing' their children, it's perhaps suitable for their pet dog but for a child it's just cruel and inhuman and teaches them nothing.
The most important lesson I think for parenting is that we should treat our children how we want them to treat us and others. It is really as simple as that. Encourage your child to be free by having them choose what is right from a deep understanding that you give them. So many parents disregard this kind of authentic freedom, and instead force children to do something out of fear that you will give them punishment. Give your child understanding and not punishment.
This is all just my opinion of course. It works wonderfully for my daughter! I'll see if I can find some book references for you and post them later.
All the best,
John
In response to Sally, could I suggest Playful Parenting by Laurence J. Cohen? I've reviewed it elsewhere, what I'd add here is that while there's nothing specifically Zen about it, it is very much about mindful parenting and being in the moment with your child, and above all it's immensely practical on how to use this approach, bringing you the author's experience both as a Dad and as a play therapist.
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