Zen Parenting

Some people have told me that having children is the end of your life as you know it. I have often written about my experience of having children and how it relates to my work life elsewhere, but I'd like to also share my experience of having children from a spiritual perspective.

One may think that even in Buddhism having children can be a distraction from your path to enlightenment, but I don't think that's the case at all. In fact the opposite is true.

I have set myself a goal of becoming more mindful each day. I find new techniques to transcend my existence such that I do not exist day by day in a cloud of samsara, but instead I live in reality, touching the here and now as each moment passes, becoming a part of the harmony of reality.

Since having a child I have discovered what it is like to live. Every time I am playing with, being with my daughter I feel alive. I'm sure many parents have also had this wonderful experience. But why is this?

My daughter doesn't let me sit down for long. She pulls me up by my hand, and drags me over to her toys or outside. She wants to play. Playing is participating for the enjoyment of participating, of being a part of something, of being able to win or lose without it really affecting you. Is there much of a difference between playing and being mindful? Is this not kensho in Zen Buddhism? Is not the bliss of playing a sharing in the sambhogakaya of the Buddha?

My daughter always bring me back to reality, she always helps me touch the here and now. In her I see a being who transcends the worrying, endless decisions and debate that seem to consume us as adults.

This is just one way that being with children can be a form of meditation. Children are also a good reminder of sunyata, emptiness. In them we see ourselves, our wife, parents, ancestors, cultures. In them we see all of humaity, we see the dharmakaya. Every sentence they utter can be seen as a koan, not just because it it is seemingly nonsensical, but because it is a glimpse of true reality.

There is perhaps not greater manifestation of the law of karma than your child. Every action, every intention you have, will bear fruit in your child. If you curse, it won't take long before you hear a complaint from the school principal about your child's foul mouth. If you lose your temper and smack your child in a moment of weakness, then this is how your child will learn how to react in difficult social situations. Children are like mirrors, and in them not only do you see your ancestory but you also see every action you take. They are your walking karma.

Having children is a gift that can transform our lives in many ways, but more than anything they can be zen masters, teachers that can educate us not just about parenting, but also about ourselves, reality and enlightenment.

If only we stayed that way.